Often times, words are a way of healing. Being able to express words on paper, words that aren’t as easy to process in any other way. Last year was a hard year for us, so many ups and downs. Many, many downs. A loss of a job, a last minute move back to my hometown and so many other things threaded through all that. It was also a difficult year, because we wanted so badly to get pregnant. I had always dreamed of becoming a mom, from as little as I could remember. Each month it seemed as if it would never happen and led to more frustration and many tears. But during the 11 months of trying for our little one, God strengthened our marriage and our faith grew in Him. Just 5 days before Christmas, I got a positive test. I thought it couldn’t possibly be real, I had seen so many negative tests over the months. I stared at the “pregnant” result for so long making sure it wouldn’t change! We couldn’t have asked for a more perfect Christmas gift. The next few weeks, we were on a cloud. Overjoyed with the beautiful gift God had given us after such a rough year.
Our first appointment was scheduled at 10.5 weeks on February 7th, which of course we were beyond excited and thrilled about. Everything went well, and they decided to send us for an ultrasound to get a better look at the baby’s heartbeat. I knew something wasn’t right. Deep down, you just have a feeling, though why would you try and convince yourself something was wrong? The ultrasound was showing no heartbeat and I knew our little baby was far smaller than they should have been at almost 11 weeks on that ultrasound. We were quietly led back into the room to receive the news, no one ever wants to hear. “There is no heartbeat.” Our baby’s heartbeat had stopped 4 weeks ago, at only 6 weeks. My body though, didn’t seem to catch up, so I had zero signs of miscarrying. Such a happy moment was crushed in a way I can’t even explain. It seemed as if the walls were closing in on us. This was all a bad dream, that was now reality. We left the office in shock, trying to wrap our heads around the news we just heard. I had a scheduled D&C for the next morning on February 8th, a whole day to ponder on what had just happened. Just a few hours left to be pregnant. The surgery came and went, leaving me with a sense of emptiness. Something I can’t describe. Part of me is missing, though I still looked pregnant. Physically, I was doing all right for the first couple of days but ended up in a lot of pain from an infection. Everything in me just wanted to get back to normal, feel normal. But it seems my body doesn’t want to listen. Blood tests after blood tests to make sure my hCG levels were dropping.
Emotionally this has been hard. The tears come at no good time. The grief comes in waves, we rest in peace knowing our baby is perfect beyond words with our Father and healer right now. But how we wish, we could have met them. Held them close and kissed those precious cheeks. Someday, I know we will be reunited and we so look forward to that day. Our first baby, can not ever be replaced and will always hold a special place in our hearts. I never knew how painful it could be to love and lose someone you have never even met. The special bond that is formed from day one, even before, no words can describe that. I’m so thankful for our families and friends, who have come alongside to help us through this. Sharing their stories, words of comfort and prayers. Those who have gone through this, hearing the words “I know how it feels,” goes deeper then one may think. Knowing in this pain and brokenness, we are not alone. There is hope. Hope and healing in Jesus, who is our rock and strength. It’s hard to put into words what I’m feeling now. I don’t think any words can explain the pain and I pray no one ever has to go through this. But I know God knows, He knows all the waves of emotions we are experiencing now. I definitely don’t have it all together, far from it. But between the prayers of so many of our loved ones and the strength we have to endure this in the gospel of Jesus Christ, we are making it through.
To the women who have gone through this, you are my inspiration. Your strength is beautiful. I know going through a miscarriage is often kept quiet, a time to grieve but also a time of loneliness. For us, we needed to share. A way of healing. A way to minister to those who may be going through it too, we aren’t doing this alone. God will give us strength daily, and be our comfort. Our comfort in God is all made possible because of Jesus and His work on the cross. Because He is our only true living hope (1 Peter 1:3-9) through this trial, we must share this hope with others who are walking through this. I know this will only strengthen my relationship with Him and my marriage with my amazing husband too. Nick has been my shoulder to cry on, arms to hold me and encouragement as we go through the day. There is no one else I’d rather walk through this storm with, then him. Each day we remind ourselves we are just taking one day at a time. There is more hope each day for what God has in store for our future and we have rest in Him even when it doesn’t make any sense.
“The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.”
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; His understanding has no limit.”